Let's Mosey Around
Grizzly Adams has nothing on me
Brian Moser
Issue date: 11/17/05 Section: Fun House
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Once again the Wisconsin weather is making winter coats and warm jeans high in demand. Sweaters of all types are being dusted off (do they collect dust?) and worn to keep our bodies from freezing.
There is another tradition that many men besides me have started this winter: grow beards. This is an ancient tradition that the early pioneers mastered to scare away local bears, tax collectors, and even door to door salesman.
My first experience with mass quantity of facial hair occurred my freshman year of college. I was adamant about keeping my face clean until about a month into school. Laziness kicked in and my facial hair sprouted.
Since I wasn't shaving, I decided to see if I could grow a nice respectable beard. I thought it was going to be an easy task, but then found out all of these annoying properties of beards.
First of all, whenever I dried off after a shower, I always had drops of water coming off my whiskers. My chin became a dripping faucet. It seemed that I could never turn it off and I always got water on my shirts.
I was playing football at the time of my blossoming beard, so I noticed that it made my chinstrap itchier. Or was it my chin that became itchier? Either way, I scratched my chinstrap all the time while I caught passes during practice.
The last annoying property of beards is that you have to maintain them. I didn't have any trouble in that department, though. Once there was a decent amount of hair on my face, I realized one thing: it didn't fully grow everywhere. There were patches of skin that had a few hairs compared to patches that were covered in hair.
It has been five years since that time and I am attempting the beard again. A few things have changed, like I didn't have a girlfriend back then, who I didn't have to consider when I didn't shave for a few months. Now, my girlfriend says she will "get used to it," which is a code for "I don't really like it, but if you want it then I can't stop you."
There is another tradition that many men besides me have started this winter: grow beards. This is an ancient tradition that the early pioneers mastered to scare away local bears, tax collectors, and even door to door salesman.
My first experience with mass quantity of facial hair occurred my freshman year of college. I was adamant about keeping my face clean until about a month into school. Laziness kicked in and my facial hair sprouted.
Since I wasn't shaving, I decided to see if I could grow a nice respectable beard. I thought it was going to be an easy task, but then found out all of these annoying properties of beards.
First of all, whenever I dried off after a shower, I always had drops of water coming off my whiskers. My chin became a dripping faucet. It seemed that I could never turn it off and I always got water on my shirts.
I was playing football at the time of my blossoming beard, so I noticed that it made my chinstrap itchier. Or was it my chin that became itchier? Either way, I scratched my chinstrap all the time while I caught passes during practice.
The last annoying property of beards is that you have to maintain them. I didn't have any trouble in that department, though. Once there was a decent amount of hair on my face, I realized one thing: it didn't fully grow everywhere. There were patches of skin that had a few hairs compared to patches that were covered in hair.
It has been five years since that time and I am attempting the beard again. A few things have changed, like I didn't have a girlfriend back then, who I didn't have to consider when I didn't shave for a few months. Now, my girlfriend says she will "get used to it," which is a code for "I don't really like it, but if you want it then I can't stop you."