There's a bad moon a risin'
A "New Moon" rises, but not just for the teeny-boppers
Danny Spatchek
Issue date: 11/12/09 Section: Fun House
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Some hours before midnight on the nineteenth, I plan to define "conspicuous" by donning my now several months in-the-works, and I'm proud to say, fully completed werewolf-ware aimed at capturing the spirit of the newest characters in "New Moon" and my own enthusiasm for Stephanie Meyer's sequel-gone-film. According to my own realist standards, the costume certainly makes me worthy of a spot in the Quileute wolf pack and, with some extensive leadership courses, might even put me in the running for Alpha sometime in the near future.
While my werewolf guise would undoubtedly gain me admission into the Quileute ranks, I became wary that the costume was a tad too lifelike and, if possible, accomplished too thoroughly the effect Meyer intended when drafting her vampire foils. Indeed, one night I walked into a gas station after a period of prowling about my house in the costume and a pale fellow purchasing a red Snapple remarked snidely to me, "You smell."
When he sped out of the parking lot in an expensive-looking car, I made up my mind that I'd just seen a vampire. Red Snapple possibly containing imported blood, driving a fast car more than ten miles over the limit, saying that I smelled after I'd just been running around in my heavy, sweat-inducing wolf suit for several hours-the evidence made it undeniable.
I decided that the only place worth risking a serious brouhaha with my impersonators' mortal enemies, vampires, was during New Moon's opening night-a night that promises to heavily contrast its antecedent. Essentially, Twilight detailed the way that a lion (Edward Cullen) abstains from the lamb chops most appealing to his vampire taste buds (Bella Swan's blood), because he falls in love with the lamb chops. In "New Moon," Edward takes this abstinence a step further, not only denying himself Bella's blood but completely cutting off his relationship with her.
Plenty of relationship-based twists occur in "New Moon," and the firing of "Twilight" director Catherine Hartwicke for Chris Weitz, one of the fine minds who challenged the idea that a pie can't be a viable sexual partner, encourages me tremendously. Hartwicke obviously understood that sex sells as the members of her handpicked "Twilight" cast all share a unifying characteristic-they're attractive. Weitz employed actors of a similar mold in "American Pie," but unleashed their full potential by taking their clothes off.
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Rob Pockat
posted 11/12/09 @ 8:18 PM CST
Finally, a fresh face for Funhouse. I'm so glad that the old guy from a few semesters back retired. I heard he's a Wal-Mart greeter and works at election polls in his free time. (Continued…)
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